If apologies were a financial transaction, the accepter would be getting ripped off.
Some people and cultures place a premium on apologies. But they should be careful. Apologies have not only their limitations, but dangers. Yes, you read that correctly—dangers. If apologies were a financial transaction, the accepter would be getting ripped off.
The seemingly one-sided nature of the ripoff stems from the performative nature of both apologizing and accepting the apology. Performative verbs are those in which the action is completed simply by saying the word:
I pronounce you husband and wife.
I declare the meeting adjourned.
I name you the winner.
I bet $10.
I resign from my position.
I swear I’m innocent.
This is how a typical apology goes. Let’s say Sebastian wrongs Celeste in some way (we’ll keep it vague for now).
Sebastian: “I apologize for…”
Celeste: “I accept your apology.”
They’ve both used performative verbs. They’ve both broken with everyday language convention. For Sebastian, it seems worth it because he’s been naughty. For Celeste, it may not seem worth it because she also broke with language convention but didn’t do anything.
The transaction seems one-sided because whatever Sebastian did required more of Celeste’s energy than the simple act of accepting the apology. However, this isn’t zero-sum. Celeste could be doing Sebastian a big disservice by accepting, and here’s why: At an intuitive level, he understands that he ripped her off. And she’s proven to him that ripping people off is kind of easy: he just needs to apologize.
Okay, his ego might take a hit when he admits wrongdoing. But soon enough, the bruise fades. The problem is, the license she’s given him to rip people off remains. This appears to be a good deal for Sebastian: through apologies, he strengthens his endurance to those bruised-ego blows and gets a free pass that replenishes over and over.
But sooner or later, Sebastian will face a problem that is beyond an apology’s pay grade. A blow that will hit him like a punch from a heavyweight: unexpected, overwhelming, and impossible to dodge. It could be legal consequences, a financial penalty, or a personal reckoning. When that moment comes, his ability to apologize won’t matter. The damage will require more of his time and energy than just a few fleeting words.
“I apologize” vs. “I’m sorry”
Take a moment to compare the performative act of saying “I apologize” with saying “I’m sorry.” Are these the same? Absolutely not.
When Sebastian says he’s sorry, it could be more about him than it is about Celeste. Isn’t “sorry” just another way of saying that he’s feeling blue? Aren’t there a whole host of things in this world that can make Sebastian feel blue? He might not even be sorry at all for what he did to Celeste! It could be something unrelated to their interaction, like that promotion at work that went to someone else. In this case, his sorrow is a coping mechanism for his own discomfort and has nothing to do with how he wronged her.
The performative nature of saying “I apologize” makes it more genuine because it’s more formal. Since everyday conversation is largely informal, this departure from the norm signals that something unusual is taking place: Sebastian is serious.
However, that doesn’t make him a world-beater. He’s apologized. So what! What about poor Celeste? What about the supreme ripoff that awaits both of them if she accepts?
Instead, Celeste should tell Sebastian that she won’t pass judgment on his words. It will be about his actions. Since he’s running a deficit with past actions, there’s a chasm between the two of them. What he does going forward will either bridge that chasm or turn it into a gulf.